Rituals for hard holidays
First things first, I’d like to acknowledge that so-called Thanksgiving is based in colonialism and genocide. Our family of origin — and for that matter, you, dear reader — may or may not be on the same page with this understanding. I’m going to focus on how to get through the day with grief — and I hope that can include survival with a decolonized lens. As a white settler on occupied land, however, I cannot claim expertise or advanced knowledge of decolonization. It’s a journey I am still on myself… as I am on my grief journey alongside yours. May we do so together in strength and solidarity and continued learning.
Whether it’s your first holiday season or your fifteenth, this can be a trying time for grievers. If you feel inclined to skip the whole thing, let this writing be your permission. You are not required to celebrate.
But let’s say that you do want to celebrate, but are unsure how. One way to include your dead person(s) is through ritual. These rituals can be collective or individual, or a combination of the two. While it can feel awkward to invite others to join us in ritual, especially new ones, awkwardness in my opinion in no way takes away from the potential power and importance. If it’s your first time considering such a thing, I invite you to lean into the discomfort and see the beauty in the asking.
Beginning ideas for developing ritual:
Consider food. What recipes, flavors, or foodways were important to or remind you of your person? Is there a way you can integrate those foods into your celebration, even if an original recipe has been lost or the preparation is complicated? Are there cultural or ancestral ties that could be nurtured and acknowledged?
Example: my German-English grandmother always made Springerle cookies and I try to make them for our holiday meals. The stodginess of shortbread reminds me of her demeanor, while their sweetness brings forth her way of showing love through baked goods.
Consider an altar. What is a table set for loved ones to dine next to one another but an altar? A table setting is, after all, every day ritual… And holiday tables can be special, with flowers, fabrics, or candles. How can you bring meaning to the table as well? That can be as simple as an image of your person, their favorite plant or flower, a meaningful stone or shell, or saying a few words in their honor prior to lighting said flames.
If you have candles on your table, consider the following prayer before lighting them: We light a candle to honor our grief and give thanks for the lives of our loved ones. May this light guide us forward toward healing and peace and bring them to the table for this holiday.
Consider taking a moment to journal, externalizing your thoughts and feelings by taking them outside your own head and heart, which may help release the pressure of bottling them up inside. Prompts to consider:
The changes I’ve gone through in my grief include…
The losses I want to honor this holiday season include…
I can honor those losses by…
Write a letter to pre- and during-grief self, acknowledging all the hard things you went through
Write a letter to the “ghosts” of the year previous: the things you wished happened but weren’t able to. What did you hope to get from them? How would your year have been different if those things had happened?
Write a care plan for 2023: how will you tend to the wounds left from the grief & loss you’ve experienced? How will you tend to your emotional health? How will you honor your grieving process?
What traditions will you miss this year? Is there any way to honor those traditions in another way?
What is one thing you can look forward to (however small) this upcoming holiday season?
Who is one person who has helped you manage stress, sorrow, etc. this year?
How have you grown closer to the person that you want to be over the last year?
Think about what you’ve been most grateful for in 2022. How can you increase the presence of those people, things, events, etc. in your life in 2023?
Other remembrance activity ideas:
Set a seat at the dinner table and leave it empty in honor of your loved one’s memory. Perhaps include their image, make them a plate, or pour their favorite drink.
Toast your loved one and ask those who wish to share favorite memories of their person or people who aren’t able to be physically present.
Ask everyone to write down their favorite memories of your loved one, which they place into a memory box, opening it at a designated time, perhaps even reading each memory aloud.
Create a memory tablecloth, asking guests to use markers to document upon it their holiday memories, especially those having to do with loved ones who have died.
Donate to a charity in your loved one’s memory.
Incorporate a moment of silence before, during, or after your meal, asking folks to pause to remember and give thanks for the love of those not present due to death, or other reasons.
Give yourself permission to say your loved one’s name and bring up stories about them, or discuss how much you miss them. Allow yourself to feel the support and love of your family and friends.
Start a new tradition. Instead of staying home, consider travel for the holiday, or instead of cooking a huge Thanksgiving dinner, begin a tradition of dining at your (or your loved one’s) favorite restaurant.
Watch a movie (or sports team) your loved one enjoyed, complete with popcorn and a toast with their preferred beverage.
Take a family outing to a place your loved one found special, using the time to reflect upon their memory either alone, or as a family. This could be a park, the cemetery, their favorite vista / hiking spot, or even something they drove by often that was meaningful.
Invite your family and friends to take part in a volunteer activity in memory of your loved one. Example: clean cages at an animal rescue or volunteer to serve meals at a mission for unhoused folks.
More readings and many of the these bullet points were taken from Full Circle GC.
More readings on the holidays and grief that I recommend are available here:
Thanksgiving Tips for Grievers - What’s Your Grief
You Don’t Have to Fake It Through Thanksgiving - NYT
A Mindful Approach to the First Thanksgiving with Grief - Heather Stang
Missing a Loved One on Thanksgiving - Eterneva
